Not Mine Not Yours

For the boheme inclined…

Epiphanies of a Lightworker

This past weekend I attended a life-changing workshop by the Lightworker Institute called Intuitive Intelligence.

My intention was to deepen my intuitive abilities and to befriend my fears. You know, the fears that keep us small, keep us locked in an illusion of not good enough, not valuable enough, not worthy enough…

In a room of 20 powerful and inspiring women, we sat in circle and learnt how to meet our fear. How to move beyond it into love and discussed, shared and transformed our relationship to ourselves. It was one of the best gifts I have ever given to myself and the epiphanies ran deep for me. This post covers one that I was able to articulate with the help of my newly deepened intuition.

On that first day, I cried and cried and experienced an internal tug of war at some of the concepts that we were presented with. My ego fought like hell to hold to the beliefs and ideas that have served its purpose to maintain control of the programs of fear that have kept me at arms length from my infinite nature. Things that I am still sorting through like how up until now, I had chosen to awaken through fear and suffering rather than through love and grace. How I have found myself dealing with a chronic illness over the past year despite 10 plus years of practising acceptance, daily rampages of appreciation and meditative practices. How my ego has delayed the healing process through the desire to get to the root cause of the illness and that suffering. How the illusion of my physical expression feels so real yet it is not.

On that first day, one of the beautiful women in the room asked a profound question that I too had in the back of my mind. Her question was – Who am I without my suffering, without my stories? We weren’t quite at that stage of the content to have that question clearly answered in a way that would land powerfully enough within her (and I) to really get it. We had to trust that this answer would come at the right time, well I know I had to trust in this. And so I surrendered to the divine timing that the answer would come.

At the end of that day I was totally spent, wondering if I could stay awake for the 20min drive home. I did get home safely and found my bed, curled up with my pooch and had a looooong nap. 3hrs later as I emerged from a dream about snakes laying eggs (birthing of transformation) and I started to hear this question and the answer from Source that came to me started to coalesce into a stream of consciousness. I grabbed my journal and a pen and madly wrote to capture it all. What follows was the answer to that question asked by my fellow lightworker… Who am I without my suffering, my stories…?

“I am ego-less-ness.

The idea of identity is falling away as the truth of the oneness of my nature emerges more powerfully. I cling to these stories of suffering simply from a desire of the ego to separate myself from the unity of all. To claim & revel in my uniqueness & to define my sense of ‘self’, yet it is simply the suffering of ego-ness and a desire to set myself apart from others. Why would I want to do that?

My spirit screams that I am you and you are me. It is only the ego that grasps at separateness & the illusion of identity. Yet when I truly see that it is that very identity that causes suffering, why would I ever want THAT to be my truth?

I am still me, I am still you – suffering or not suffering. I am not less of me for the lack of stories of suffering, in fact, I am more.

I am stronger in my sense of togetherness.

I am more in my understanding of my limitlessness.

I am more as I embrace my Oneness with ALL.

I am connected.

I am eternal.

I am that I am… and that is all I need be.”

 

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